i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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