dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
