I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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