Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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