why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
