i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
