I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
