Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
