i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
