Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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