Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
