My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
