her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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