she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
