my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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