I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
