I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My dick has a subreddit
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
