I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
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I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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