Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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