My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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