I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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