My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
