Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
