She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She bit a glass in half.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
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The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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