you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
