the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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