Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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