WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
