drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
