420 ftw
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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