Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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