I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
