Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
