I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
