I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
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Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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