apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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