I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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