the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
