I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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