I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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