I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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