I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
