News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
