I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
