Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
