when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize