I am puke
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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