At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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