If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
