census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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