remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
