FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I touched a dick in church today
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
