I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
