9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
