You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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