1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
