did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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